I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside