“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
what the
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house