me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves