If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.