Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
what’s the point then??
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless