Bootstraps
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.