TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH