screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep