It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I get distracted pretty eas
waiting for halloween be like:
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.