High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job