Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.