5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
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Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The fall of Netflix
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings