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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?