Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY