[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
What?!?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.