when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
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Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
It was worth a shot 😂
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?