When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.