A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
How to make infinite energy.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.