I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My dating profile:
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??