Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
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wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.