I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
You Might Also Like
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.