happy friday
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If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
asking santa clause for nudes
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.