All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
my mind
You just read my mind
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Wait a minute
You can’t rush stupid.
Had an epiphany today.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing