Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
ready to be harvested
Just ordered me some pizza!
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
when you don’t want to be too vague
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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