“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
You Might Also Like
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Many hands make light work
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
This is true.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…