This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.