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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.