SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
You Might Also Like
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*