If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.