Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
You Might Also Like
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
this is the news I live for
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s