ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?