Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game