*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
being a writer on Twitter:
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Was it something I said?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!