I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Current mood: Potato
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.