[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
What?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Tough love is true love
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*