I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
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Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Uh oh…
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh