Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
You Might Also Like
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Many hands make light work
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.