You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.