I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Yup
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.