Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE