Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
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The biggest mystery of our time
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules