LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I can fix him.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”