If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops