ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
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*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign