The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
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[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Seems legit
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over