“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
absolute chaos
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.