[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
But is it really??
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
$3 #books
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.