I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”