My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Crying is a sign of leakness.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
prepare for carbonated trouble
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”