At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side